Carry On Dancing
by firefly
Summary: If Hidan ever found himself capable, he was totally going to sacrifice the Leader to his God for making him dance. Crackfic!


Carry On Dancing

By: firefly

Note: Written for sayakasama on LJ, where I was to write a Hidan-centered fic with the prompt _dance_. XD

**Carry On Dancing**

Hidan stared disbelievingly at the Leader for a few seconds, seemingly uncomprehending.

"You want me to _what_?"

The Leader stared back at him nonchalantly.

"You heard me. You saw their performance, and unless you show me what it was like, we won't be able to identify which village they came from."

"Why is it so important, anyway?" Hidan demanded. "They were just traveling merchants."

"Yes, merchants that tend to perform dances as tributes to their home villages. If I know what it looks like, I'll know which village, and subsequently where their copious amounts of money came from. Now do it."

"I'm not going to fucking dance for you."

"You'll do it, or suffer the consequences."

Hidan glared at the Leader, suppressing the urge to let loose with every vile curse in every language he knew.

"Just do it, Hidan," Kakuzu said from beside him, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah," Deidara added with a small grin. "Don't be such a pussy, un."

Hidan suddenly stood, his face growing a horrendous shade of puce.

"_Pussy_? You are so dead you son of a—"

"Please, Hidan-san, Deidara-senpai didn't mean it," Tobi said hurriedly, gesturing with his hands for Hidan to relax. "We'd love to see you dance."

"I'm not dancing for you bastards!" Hidan yelled. "What the hell do I look like?"

"You won't look like much," the Leader said slowly. "…once I'm done with you. Do the dance, or suffer the consequences, Hidan. You knew what you were getting into when you joined the Akatsuki."

"Of course I did! Killing people, looting villages, capturing demons, blowing shit up—I was ready for all of that. But dancing? Pardon my French, _sir_, but what the fuck?"

"Desperate times call for desperate measures."

The colour in Hidan's pale cheeks faded from puce to bright red, and he muttered unintelligibly under his breath, rubbing his temples as he turned away.

The others watched him expectantly, suppressing their grins when he slowly turned around and took a deep breath.

"They were using instruments," he muttered.

"Is that so? What kind?"

"I don't know…something like maracas, I guess."

"…Tobi, go fetch Hidan something that resembles and mimics the sound of maracas."

Tobi scrambled to his feet and darted off towards the kitchen, returning a few seconds later with a thin canister.

"It's full of seeds for the garden," Tobi explained sheepishly, scratching his head. "It's all I could find." He gave it a little shake, making the seeds rattle against the insides of the canister before handing it to Hidan.

"Thanks," Hidan said through gritted teeth, taking the canister and fighting the urge to break it open over Tobi's head.

"You're welcome!" Tobi chirped, before flouncing back to his seat.

Hidan stood there for a few seconds, staring wordlessly at the makeshift maraca in his hand before grimacing.

"Do they have to be here?" he questioned, gesturing to the others. "Can't I just show you?"

"No. It'll be better if you show us all. That way, they will be able to recognize the merchants the next time they see them," the Leader replied succinctly. "Now dance."

Hidan squeezed his eyes shut and took a few shuffling steps forward till he was standing in the middle of the room. The Leader and the others watched him attentively, and Hidan noticed with a grimace that Itachi had his Sharingan activated, probably for some freakish, perverted reason.

Kisame and Deidara couldn't stop grinning, Tobi was watching attentively and giving him a thumbs up, Zetsu looked faintly amused, and Kakuzu, that damned bastard Kakuzu, was wearing the smuggest look he'd ever seen.

If Hidan ever found himself capable, he was totally going to sacrifice the Leader to his God.

Listlessly, he raised the makeshift maraca and gave it a little shake, taking another deep breath before lowering his arm back to his side.

"I can't dance, just so you know," Hidan suddenly said, rather loudly. "I hope it'll make you bastards happy to see me make an ass out of myself, because you're all going to hell for forcing me into this."

"Just shut up and shake it," Deidara said, snickering uncontrollably.

Hidan opened his mouth to retort, but the Leader interrupted.

"Wait, what were the merchants wearing?"

Hidan blinked, hoping against hope that his answer would spare him from imminent humiliation.

"Just these green pants with some symbol on them…a star, or something."

The Leader's eyes glinted.

"I see. No shirt?"

"No," Hidan said thoughtfully. "No shirt—" He stopped, suddenly, realizing what the Leader was getting at.

"Oh, _hell_ no. What the fuck do I look like? A stripper? I'm not taking off my cloak."

"We're aiming for accuracy."

"Fuck that, you just want to get off on seeing me half-naked, don't you?"

"Don't flatter yourself, Hidan."

"Don't flatter my—you motherfu—"

"Please!" Tobi cried, springing to his feet and holding his hands up. "Stop fighting. Hidan-san, if you want, I can help you so you don't feel so embarrassed alone."

Hidan gave him an odd look, hesitating at first, but then his expression cleared somewhat and he shrugged.

"Fine. Just…stand over here and don't move."

Tobi did as he was told and came up to stand next to him.

Hidan made a face, narrowing his eyes and pushing Tobi with the tip of his index finger to move a little over to the left, till he was standing in the middle of the room.

Just as Hidan looked about ready to take the first step in performing the dance, the Leader cleared his throat and pointed to his cloak.

Hidan gave him the most withering glare he could muster, and muttering curses under his breath, he grudgingly ripped off the cloak, throwing it into Deidara's face when the blonde whistled.

He paused for a moment, then slowly removed his rosary, thrusting it at Tobi and muttering for him to hold it.

"Drop it and I'll fucking kill you," he added.

"No worries, Hidan-san!" Tobi chirped reassuringly.

"Whatever…" Hidan mumbled, picking up his 'maraca' and holding it awkwardly in his right hand. He stood there for a few seconds, head bowed towards the ground in what looked like contemplation.

"Hurry up," Kakuzu said.

"Shut up! I'm trying to remember how it went," Hidan snapped irritably, his face growing redder.

"If you're worried about us laughing," Tobi suddenly whispered. "I promise _I _won't laugh at you, Hidan-san."

Hidan rolled his eyes.

"Just shut up and look at the floor, swirl-face."

"Okay."

Hesitating, Hidan took a step forward, pausing once more before he lifted his head and looking despairingly at the Leader.

"I can't do this shit. I'll go _catch _the dancing fuckers for you. Seriously—_anything_ but this."

"Dance, Hidan."

"I"—

"I said dance. Say one more word and I'll have Itachi cut out your larynx."

Hidan glanced over at Itachi and took an automatic step backwards as the Uchiha obediently produced a kunai, placing it on his lap.

Swallowing his words, and grimacing as though he were in pain, Hidan turned back to face Tobi, lifting his right arm and feebly shaking the canister of seeds.

"They sort of…did some dance around a totem pole thing," Hidan said thickly, gesturing vaguely to Tobi, as though he was the totem pole.

"Show us."

"Can't you just use your goddamn imagination?"

Out of the corner of his eye, Hidan saw Itachi pick up the kunai and he quickly sidestepped over to the other side of Tobi, glaring balefully at the Leader.

Then, almost unnoticeably, he did a little hop-skip, looking absolutely agonized before doing it again, this time making the movement more pronounced.

"What the hell was that?" Kisame asked, looked flabbergasted at the utter gaiety of the silly jump.

"Ask the fucking pansies who made it up," Hidan retorted heatedly. "Seriously, they hopped and skipped like that."

"Go on," the Leader said approvingly, leaning back in his seat with his arms crossed.

Suppressing the urge to flip him off, Hidan tightened his grip on his maraca, taking a deep breath before jumping into a series of hop-skips around Tobi. Then, rigidly, he bent over at every other hop-skip and clapped his hands, turning redder and redder with every cycle.

Tobi stood absolutely still, not making a sound and determined to be the most freaking convincing totem pole ever.

Hidan appreciated his silence, because the urge to kill was rising with every hop-skip and snicker that graced his ears, and by the time he progressed from the hop-skips into gazelle-like prances, the room echoed with full-blown laughter, most of the loud cackles courtesy of Deidara.

"Don't you recognize it yet?" Hidan hissed at the Leader as he paused, a vein twitching violently in his temple.

"Not yet," the Leader said with infuriating calmness. "Continue."

"I think you're doing great, Hidan-san!" Tobi said enthusiastically.

"Shut up and look at the floor, totem pole."

"Okay!"

Hidan ceased his prancing and finally decided to make use of his 'maraca'. He shook it experimentally a few times, working out a rhythm before awkwardly descending into a kneel, alternating between shaking the maraca three times, clapping his hands, and whacking Tobi on the thigh with the canister, rather harder than necessary.

He did this for a while, and when the Leader continued to remain silent as the others laughed, he rose to his feet again and looked skyward, looking as though he were expecting a lightning bolt to burst through the ceiling and smite him dead.

But there was no divine intervention and he was forced to continue and thus perform the worst part of the dance.

Before he did, however, he turned and chucked his maraca as hard as he could at Deidara, hitting the blonde right between the eyes before whipping around to face the Leader.

"Don't tell me you still don't recognize it," Hidan said breathlessly, red-faced and panting. "I swear to God, if that wasn't enough..."

"I have a hunch," the Leader said lazily, looking amused. "I'm sure one more go will make it all clear."

"That's bullshit. You're fucking with me," Hidan said hysterically, grabbing a fistful of his hair and looking totally out of it. "How many villages have a pansy-ass dance like that?"

"You'd be surprised," the Leader replied. "Now please, continue."

Looking as though he was on the verge of tears and a total breakdown, Hidan retrieved his maraca and trudged back over to the Tobi totem pole and took a few deep, shuddering breaths.

Then he clasped his hands together and closed his eyes.

"God, please forgive me for the blasphemy I'm about to commit. To repent, I promise to sacrifice three virgins in thy name, seriously."

"Hidan, I'm sure God doesn't give a shit about you shaking your scrawny ass for a couple of S-ranked criminals," Kakuzu said, rolling his eyes.

Hidan dropped his hands and whipped around, eyes flaming.

"Fuck you, fuck everyone in this room, and fuck the fucking fuckers who danced that fucking pansy-ass dance I just happened to fucking see. I don't see you prancing around like a fucking fairy, so I'd fucking appreciate it if you sewed your own goddamn mouth shut and _kept_ it fucking shut, you heathen sack of shit," Hidan barked.

Kakuzu could only blink in response, seemingly speechless.

Satisfied, Hidan turned back around and faced Tobi.

He stood in silence for a few seconds, and everyone watched attentively, quiet except for Deidara, who whimpered as he nursed the massive bump on his forehead.

Hidan took one more deep breath before suddenly going into a crouch. Then slowly, he shook the canister till a steady, gentle rattling filled the air. He gradually rose, the seeds rattling up from Tobi's toes up to the top of his head, before going back down.

When he ascended once more, he slowly began to circle Tobi, looking extraordinarily pissed and concentrative at the same time.

Nobody laughed now, the room silent except for the gentle rattling of seeds as Hidan circled Tobi. Gradually, he brought up both arms, pressing both palms together before spreading them into a wide arch over his head and lowering them to thigh-level, forming a circle and bringing his hands together once more.

His shoulders grew taut under the strain of the slow, controlled movements, the motion surprisingly graceful as he continued circling Tobi, bending his knees now to form ovals the length of Tobi's body.

It didn't take a genius to figure out that the movements mimicked that of a prayer ritual of some sort praising the totem pole, and that clearly explained the look of obvious consternation on Hidan's face as he blatantly committed blasphemy.

Once he'd circled Tobi a few times while forming ovals, he progressed into a seemingly complicated dance of sidesteps that went forward, towards Tobi, and retreated backwards, the movement more nimble and graceful than his previous donkey-esque leaps. As he did this, he raised the canister and lowered it, filling the room with the sound of rhythmic rattling.

It went on, getting more and more complicated, with him now tapping the canister against his elbows and knees and Tobi's torso while continuing his circling, side-stepping dance.

Deidara, shockingly enough, wasn't laughing. Rather, he looked quite impressed, as did Zetsu and Kisame.

Just as Hidan had made his dance more complicated by adding a spin to it and a tossing and catching of the canister, the Leader finally moved.

Hidan stopped abruptly, stumbling into Tobi when the Leader began clapping, looking supremely amused.

"That was beautiful, Hidan-san," Tobi said in a hushed voice, sounded awed as he steadied the dizzy man. "Have you ever considered ballet?"

"What?" Hidan said in horror, giving him a look of utter disbelief. "Ballet? Are you out of your fucking mind?"

"But you're so nimble," Tobi protested.

"Shut up!"

"But really, Hidan," Zetsu said from his seat, looking surprised. "You said you couldn't dance."

"What the fuck is this? You want me to leave the Akatsuki and go join the fucking ballet? Well screw you!" Hidan shouted, before whipping around to face the Leader.

His face was beet red, and a vein pulsed dangerously in his temple, sweat beading on his brow.

"Well? You recognize it now?"

"Yes," the Leader said calmly. "That dance denotes worship of the thunder god. It was performed by Rain nins."

"Are you happy now?" Hidan demanded, looking humiliated. "Freakin' useless Leader. You should have been able to recognize it without me even showing you. Now I've got to repent and—"

"I did."

"You—_what_?"

"I recognized it the instant you said they were wearing green pants with a red star emblem. That's the symbol of the Rain merchants."

"You…recognized it," Hidan echoed numbly.

"Yes."

"Then, sir, if you don't mind me asking," Tobi said meekly, walked up to stand next to Hidan. "Why did you make Hidan-san dance?"

The Leader slowly smiled, then reached into his pocket and withdrew a piece of paper.

Before Hidan could react, the Leader reached forward and stuffed the paper down the waistband of his pants.

Hidan stared, dumbfounded, at the twenty-dollar bill sticking out of his pants.

The Leader folded his hands complacently in his lap, looking at Tobi with a satisfied expression.

"I made him do it because it was entertaining, that's why."

"Oh…my," Tobi squeaked, watching the red of Hidan's face darken into a frightening purple. "Hidan-san…please, stay calm. Your dance was really beautiful. You should take Leader-sama's words as a compliment."

Hidan didn't make a sound.

Tobi looked at him fearfully, before gently prodding him on the shoulder.

"Um…Hidan-san?"

"Leave him be," the Leader remarked flippantly. "He's probably having a faith crisis."

The vein burst.

"You son of a whore!" Hidan screamed suddenly, launching himself at the Leader, only to be restrained by Tobi who leapt on him from behind.

"No, Hidan-san, _no_!"

"Get the fuck off of me! I'll fucking kill him! Treat me like a fucking hooker?! _I'll fucking kill him_!"

"It's not like that, Hidan-san! It's—oh, help me, Deidara-senpai!"

"No way, un. Bastard's gone crazy."

The Leader calmly stood up, took a step forward, and patted Hidan on the head fondly before casually striding out of the room.

Itachi also stood up, discreetly deactivated his Sharingan, and calmly followed him out.

In a violent burst of rage, Hidan flipped Tobi over his head and sent him flying into Deidara before bolting out of the room after the Leader, screaming curses in every language he knew, the violent tirade echoing down the hall.

"I don't understand why Hidan-san is so angry, Deidara-senpai," Tobi said in confusion, sitting unhurt and oblivious on top of a suffocating Deidara.

"Leader-sama genuinely seemed to like his dance…"


End file.
